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Love and Sex Prescription


by Dipika Dandade

Model: Azita Ali. Photo by Dan Dolce

QUESTION

I am in my early 20s, and I am open to having sex, even if I am not in a relationship. But many Desi men have told me over the years that they only want to marry virgins. And I eventually want to settle down with a Desi man. At the same time, I want the freedom to do what I wish at this point of my life. What should I do?


ANSWER

You really are straddling the fence here. In the end, you have to live your life for yourself – for today. You will not be happy if you are too caught up with what others may think about you.

First, decide what is right for you, what fits with your moral standards. You say that you are open to having sex, even in the absence of a relationship. If you are fine with having casual sex, by all means, go for it (safely, of course).

You will probably find that these Desi men, who say they want to marry a virgin, have not set such high standards for themselves. If you press them, I am sure many of them will say that casual sex for an unmarried man is acceptable. (Talk about double standards!) And besides, do you really want to spend the rest of your life with a guy whose views on sex are completely opposite of yours?

As us women are becoming more involved with building our careers, we are getting married much later than previous generations. It becomes difficult to be involved in casual and/or serious relationships without being physically involved – be it petting, oral sex or “actual” sex. Some women want to save themselves for marriage, even if they were to get married in their late 20s or 30s. But other women are ready to have sex much before their wedding day.

Do not let the thoughts of a few Desi men make the decision for you. There are open-minded Desi guys out there. You will marry someone who loves you for who you are, not for whether you have been around the block a time or two – or three.

 

QUESTION

I am a 20-year-old Indian man, and I have had three girlfriends, who were all Indian. For some reason, they all bleed during sex. I can understand if it is their first time, but should this happen every time? They complain this happens because I am big. But it disgusts me to see blood, so I almost never want to have sex with my current girlfriend – even if she wants to badly. I am scared of it. Is this normal? Or is it my fault? Could I do something to not make her bleed, other than just having oral sex?


ANSWER

Post-coital bleeding, or bleeding after intercourse, most commonly occurs at the posterior fourchette, which is the bottom part of the entry to the vagina. In your situation, since you have experienced the same problem with three different partners, it is most likely that the bleeding is caused by trauma during sex. It may just be that you possess what a lot of men falsely boast of having – a larger-than-life “unit.” Make sure you engage in enough foreplay, whether it is touching or oral sex, to stimulate her to “wet” the vagina. This will allow for easier entry and more comfort with thrusting. You can even use over-the-counter lubricants such as KY-Jelly. You may want to try positions that place less stress on that bottom part of the vagina. Perhaps, she should lie on her side for a change.

You should also keep in mind that there might be other reasons why your partners are bleeding. Overgrowths of tissue, called polyps, in the vagina or on the cervix can bleed with intercourse. Infections, including sexually transmitted diseases such as gonorrhea or chlamydia, can lead to post-coital bleeding. Benign tumors inside of the uterus, known as fibroids, can sometimes contribute to bleeding. More serious causes of bleeding, such as cervical cancer or uterine cancer, are much less likely.

If the bleeding persists and you think there might be more to it than just raucous lovemaking, your partner should see her physician. She can expect, at the very least, a pelvic exam and tests for infections. If need be, an ultrasound may be ordered as well.

And a word for the wise – handling the situation maturely may help you score points with your girlfriend. So try not to be “disgusted” by the sight of blood, and instead, try to be a little more supportive.

 


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Dipika Dandade, 30, is an obstetrician/gynecologist practicing in the Los Angeles area.

ABCDlady does not provide medical advice, diagnosis or treatment. See additional information.


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