Feature

By Annie Rani

Let's Talk About Sex, Baby: Exploring South Asian Attitudes Towards the "S" word

South Asia is the birthplace of the greatest work on love and human sexual behavior: the Kama Sutra. Even the Vedas, ancient sacred texts of Hinduism, offer an in-depth look into sex and fertility. But in modern day South Asia, if there’s one subject that’s taboo, it’s sex — particularly premarital sex. South Asians raised in the United States have their own struggles with sexuality as they negotiate competing influences from South Asian parents and American culture. Nobody wants to be caught talking about sex, much less admit that they think about it or do it. Don’t believe it? The proof is in the pudding — almost everyone interviewed for this article stipulated his or her identity remain under wraps!

In many South Asian households, parents are reluctant to discuss sex—to the point that several young women admit to never getting “the talk” from their parents. “My parents had a very prudish attitude towards [sex],” exclaims Namratha*, a 28-year-old woman with a very successful career in public relations. “Maybe that’s why I never dreamed about so much as mentioning it in front of them or anyone else.” And Namratha is not alone when she says her parents would have balked at the very thought of sharing the truth about “the birds and the bees” with her. Meena, a 27-year-old graduate student remembers when her physician mother carefully raised the topic. “My mother asked, ‘You haven't done anything stupid, have you?’” Meena says, “From the look of fear on her face and the tone of her voice, I realized that she was talking about sex. So that was the one time we ever had a conversation approaching the topic!”

While most women and men growing up in South Asian households learn without being told that sex is not coffee table conversation and that it is “bad,” ironically, premarital sex is very much a reality. “I think my mother still thinks I’m a virgin,” muses Anita, an editor of an entertainment publication in New Jersey. The 28 year old confesses that her first sexual encounter was with her first boyfriend at the age of eighteen. “Looking back, I think I should have waited, but I really had no idea what the whole thing was about. So, curiosity more than anything else pushed me into it.” While South Asian cultural norms drum the notion of being a virgin into young minds, women like Meena see the concept in a different light. “I never felt any pressure to either remain a virgin or lose my virginity,” she says candidly, “I'm not bothered that I'm not still with my first sexual partner or the others before my current partner. Even though the relationships didn't pan out, I don't regret having slept with them.” Namrata confirms that even though the idea of being a virgin until marriage might seem romantic, “You need to make mistakes and learn from them—and sex is no different.”

While South Asian women living in the United States seem to be on the path to a sexual revolution, can the same be said of their male counterparts? Interestingly, South Asian men seem to be more accepting of this change too — just ask Dinesh! This 34-year-old postdoctoral scientist believes that there may be more people indulging in premarital sex than statistics show—and that’s perfectly all right. “Premarital sex is okay provided you take the right precaution,” he adds, “But one must be of legal age and the persons engaging in it must also be able to emotionally accept it.”

Whether to share one’s prior sexual history becomes key in a relationship, especially when many South Asians have closeted views about sex. Pooja, a project developer, has been married for four years and before that had dated steadily. She admits to being unwilling to discuss her “premarital sexual encounters” with her partner and believes that the focus should be more on “current commitment and how to remain honest to each other here and now.” Anu, on the other hand, had no qualms revealing her past to her husband. “He didn’t care,” says the 28-year-old homemaker.

Although premarital sex is becoming as common as dating, most women do think carefully about the long-term effects. “I honestly believe that premarital sex is not appropriate,” reveals Bina, a 38-year-old consultant, “My virginity was not as important as it should have been when I was younger and, in hindsight, I probably could have exercised better judgment in my youth.” Radhika credits her religious beliefs with preventing her from having sex before marriage. She says, “I've been brought up Catholic, and I clearly did not feel comfortable with having sex before marriage. And the embarrassment of having to tell a priest that I'd kissed a boy was reason enough to stop me in my tracks!” For Namrata and Meena, the main concern are the threats of venereal diseases and unplanned pregnancy.

Given South Asian attitudes towards sex, it’s no surprise that premarital sex is a point of contention between conservative and liberal forces, between an older conventional mindset and new younger attitudes. But it doesn’t change the fact that we are striding into a new age, one that melds influences from multiple cultural influences. So, let’s talk… let’s talk about sex.

*Names have been changed.

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