QUESTION
I’ve been with my boyfriend for four years, and we have a really
great relationship. While sometimes it takes work, I don't think that
any relationship is completely easy. But what bothers me is my boyfriend's
lack of interest in making an effort to get to know my family. Every
time I mention a family get-together, he whines about having to go—to
the point where I feel like I'm forcing him. I've made the mistake
of telling him everything that goes on in my family — the good
and the bad — so he holds on to the negative and has decided
that he does not like any member of my family! This is really distressing
to me since I'm really close with my family, and I feel like I'm seeing
them less because of him. After we marry it will be just him and me,
but I can't fathom a relationship without familial love and support.
I've tried talking to him, but he tells me that I can't force him
to like people. I see his point, but my main problem is his attitude.
He doesn't see the need to maintain a positive connection with my
family. Could this be the case because he isn’t close with his
own family? I want to be with him, but how can I get him to see how
important this is to me?
ANSWER
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been warned by aunties
that when you marry someone you also marry his or her family! And
when you come from a close-knit family, you assume that the person
you want to spend the rest of your life with will embrace your family
as well. Most of the time this is true if your significant other also
comes from a close family. Since yours does not, he probably doesn’t
really enjoy family gatherings and might be using the negative information
that you share with him as an excuse to avoid being a part of things.
The fact that you have expressed to him how unhappy
his behavior makes you feel and he doesn't seem to want to change
suggests he is quite selfish. It also means that this problem isn’t
going to go away. In fact, it only could get more difficult with time.
As you start your own family and have children, you will need the
support of your parents even more.
You should probably ask yourself if your love for
this man is strong enough to sustain itself if your family isn’t
in your life. If you believe that it is, then you will either have
to come to terms with seeing them less or continue your relationship
with your family and accept that he won’t be a part of it. But
if you realize that you really want your family to be part of your
life, then you have to take a stand now.
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