From Confused to Confident

By Sonia Kotecha

Life for Rent

I haven't really ever found a place that I call home.
I never stick around quite long enough to make it.
I apologize that once again I'm not in love.
But it's not as if I mind,
That your heart ain't exactly breaking
It's just a thought, only a thought.
But if my life is for rent and I don't learn to buy.
Well, I deserve nothing more than I get.
Cos nothing I have is truly mine.
-Dido

“Life for Rent” by singer/songwriter Dido has been my personal anthem over the past few years—moving between cities, changing apartments and jumping jobs, all in the quest of finding my niche—a place that I call home. Many of my peers have begun the process of building financial and personal foundations for their lives through home-buying, marriage, children or all of the above. Life for me, however, has been one rent check, heart break and disappointment after the next, mostly from fear of commitment. I never stick around quite long enough to make it.

My fear of commitment has not been so much from settling down as it has been from doing it solo. As a Desi woman, my life is expected to read like a chapter book – you study, you work, you marry, you have children, you set up house. As a single Desi woman in my thirties, life has not unfolded in the sequential manner prescribed by cultural and social norms. After dishing out thousands of dollars to landlords and using up savings to uproot myself for life’s next big adventure, every year I found myself without a penny to my name. My life was for rent, and I saw myself adrift, without an anchor: something to have and hold that was truly mine.

Alone at a crossroad, I left my big-city lifestyle in Washington, DC for the comforts and security of Mom and Dad’s single-family home in the suburbs of Austin, Texas. My parents were hoping that I would finally find a rich, handsome Indian doctor to marry, while I was kind of done waiting for a knight-in-shining-armor to rescue me from my life of rent. We agreed that my next move should be a more permanent and stable one. While they had visions of me moving into a palace of a well-to-do prince, I was envisioning myself in a very cute and chic bachelorette pad of my very own!

The idea of purchasing my own place, however, seemed ridiculous when I moved back home two-and-a-half years ago. First off, I had depleted my savings, had major car payments and had taken a tremendous pay cut to serve as a social worker in a nonprofit organization in which I believed. Secondly, I wondered, do single people do this? After living on my own for ten years, returning back to my father and mother’s home was an adjustment. As I was regressing back to the age of fourteen under my parents’ roof, I was also becoming a fiscally responsible adult. I was on a mission to track my spending and pay off debt. Instead of money earned going toward rent, it was now going towards paying off an outstanding car note. After the first year, I was finally free of any financial burden.

Yet, fear continued to hold me back from investing in myself and my future. I felt that with my modest social worker's salary there was no way I could purchase a home on my own and be financially stable. Thus, I wanted to hold off on this endeavor until I found a more lucrative job, which could mean relocating yet again. However, my life of rent was starting to look suspect to future employers. So, after remaining at the same job for more than a year—the longest I have stuck around—I was rewarded with a significant raise, which allowed me to increase my monthly savings and set aside money for a house payment. I weighed the benefits of buying versus renting, and I found that the going rate of rent was equivalent to that of a monthly mortgage. Unlike paying rent, I could eventually get a return on my mortgage – finally, a penny to my name! Once I discovered how much I could afford, I secured the assistance of a realtor and my journey towards homeownership began.

Of course, the journey had its bumps in the road as I continued to battle with the what-ifs. What if I got married in the next year? What if I got offered my dream job in California? What if…. Then, I thought to myself, “How long do I subject myself to the waiting game? If I don’t learn to buy, well I deserve nothing more than I get.” It then dawned on me that people marry, separate, gain employment, lose employment and transfer jobs all the time. Alas, life! It’s all about becoming an adult – you roll with the punches.

Then, there were the elders:

“What have you been up to these days?” says the random auntie.
“I’m looking at buying a condo!” I express with confidence.
“By yourself?!” random auntie inquires with disbelief.

Going through the process all by myself was one of the scariest yet most empowering experiences. Luckily, my parents have been supportive, even helping me with the down payment. I know it is something they prefer we keep on the down-low, especially when talking with potential suitors. In their eyes, while my property might gain value, my marriageability may lose it.

Furthermore, I still continued to feel that settling down permanently was not in my cards. I am still trying to establish myself in my career and am even hopeful that one day, I will marry and start a family. At the same time, I know I need to start putting down some roots. As a compromise to my fears and anxiety about commitment, I sought out property that could serve as a starter home as well as a financial investment for the future. After six months of home searching, waiting out contracts, mortgage shopping and a successful bidding war, I am now a proud homeowner! I can finally take down the “Life for Rent” sign that has been lurking over me.

On the day of closing, I walked nervously into the bank to pick up a cashier’s check for my down payment. Upon learning that within the hour, I was going to seal the deal, the young bank teller asked if I was headed to the closing by myself, and I just smiled. As I walked through the tall glass double doors, it began to rain, which many Hindus believe to be a sign of good luck on an auspicious occasion. At that moment, I needed the forces of nature to help me follow through on my mission to learn to buy—my personal passage from childhood to adulthood.

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