As a newlywed, it is important
to continue to develop emotional intimacy in your relationship, as
you have pointed out. Emotional intimacy is the foundation of an enduring,
loving relationship, and it is essential to keeping a marriage strong.
You should understand, however, that you and your husband will have
different emotional needs and capabilities. Your husband may not need
the same level of emotional closeness that you desire, or it may take
him longer to open up to you.
People usually start out building emotional intimacy
in a relationship by revealing personal information, sharing ideas
and thoughts and confiding in each other. Over time, they build a
level of mutual trust and emotional support, and their affection for
each other grows as well. During this process, you must remember that
your marriage should always be your priority.
Here are some more suggestions for building emotional
intimacy:
- Spend more time together. Go on a "date"
with each other once every week or two. Find a few hours that you
can spend alone to enjoy each other's company. Stay away from subjects
like household business, money problems or other points that may
distract you from focusing on each other.
- Work together on finding a suitable solution.
If you and your spouse need to resolve an issue, find an appropriate
time to talk about it and work toward a solution. This can help
small problems from becoming larger ones. Be a courteous listener
and take pains to be sure you understand your partner’s position
before trying to express your own.
- Be mutually supportive. There will be times
when your partner’s needs may interfere with your own desires
or goals, but be patient with him and show your support to the extent
that is reasonable.
- Acknowledge the good. Everyone likes to feel
appreciated, and when we know that the most important person in
our life appreciates us, we feel a stronger connection to him or
her.
Understand that the development of emotional intimacy
is an ongoing process, but it is definitely something that can be
worked on and strengthened over time. If you take this advice, you
should see the bond between you and your husband gradually intensify.
QUESTION
I've been talking to this guy for about four months now. We have a
lot in common and enjoy each other's company. But my problem is that
I want us to date and get to know each other better. However, because
he is a few years older than me, his parents are trying to force him
to get married soon—the arranged marriage way. As a result,
he is afraid of what the outcome might be: he could end up married,
just not to me.
Neither of us is ready to make that commitment just
yet, or to let go. I really would like to see where we could go with
this, and so would he. Neither of our families knows about our relationship,
and they mean so much to us that we aren't willing to hurt them so
we can be together. We're stuck with Indian parents who want it all
their way, and we're just caught in the middle of American culture
and Indian traditions. Is there really a possibility that this could
work or am I expecting too much out of this relationship that we have
now? Please help!
ANSWER
South Asian parents have always been a little ahead of their times
in terms of outsourcing and are ever-ready to look to the motherland
or their religious or cultural communities to find suitable matches
for their children. This doesn’t always go over so well for
children like you who often question why their parents came to this
country in the first place if they didn’t want their children
to be Americans. The disconnect is that our parents want us to embrace
the opportunities and independence that come with living in this country,
but at the same time they cannot ignore the culture and traditions
they grew up with.
Their instinct is to stick to what they know works,
so with very good intentions they start looking for partners for their
children. The pressure they place on us in the process—the same
pressure your boyfriend is feeling—might not even be seen as
an issue since they consider their actions to be completely normal.
In fact, they will never know that this is an issue if you don’t
tell them.
I understand that neither of you wants to hurt your
family, but the fact that your boyfriend is not willing to talk to
his parents about his concerns will make it impossible to resolve
this problem. Sure, they may not agree with him—and their reactions
could range anywhere from feeling hurt to threatening to disown him—but
the two of you will never have a chance if he doesn’t say something
soon.
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