QUESTION
I have been dating a great guy whom I care about for the past couple of months, and I think it has potential. I don't know how many relationships he's had in the past, and even though it won't affect how I feel about him, I would like to have at least a ballpark figure. I want to know if I need to let him take things slowly because he might be a little inexperienced or if he's had a lot of dating experience. I’m thinking that by knowing his dating past, it will give me a decent sense of his mindset at this point.

So, assuming it’s a worthwhile thing to do at this point, how exactly should I go about figuring out his past dating experience?

ANSWER
I’m happy to hear you’re dating a guy whom you care about. In my opinion, his past does not appear particularly relevant at this point. What is relevant with respect to a potential future with this guy is whether he is meeting your expectations for the stage of relationship you are currently in. Are you happy with the way you feel when the two of you are together, the level of exclusivity of the relationship, the amount of time you spend together and the level of interest he shows in you? Also, are you aware of each other’s “deal breakers” — anything at this time that may ultimately make it difficult for the relationship to continue moving forward?

If you can answer “yes” to these questions and are content with the pace of the relationship, I suggest focusing on the present, continuing to enjoy the relationship unfolding and regularly expressing to your guy how much fun you’re having with him. The more he feels like his life is better with you in it, the more invested he will be in the relationship.

On the other hand, if you — not your friends or family — are starting to feel anxious or dissatisfied with the pace at which the relationship is proceeding, it is important for you to be honest and upfront with your partner about your feelings. Don’t start a conversation at a time you feel anxious or frustrated, but rather at a time you feel comfortable expressing yourself with a confident and positive tone. Do not expect him to read your mind about your expectations for a future together, and do not attempt to read his mind. Additionally, do not be afraid of expressing your dissatisfaction for fear of “rocking the boat” or your anxiety and frustration could build up until you just can’t stand it anymore and you unleash your pent-up frustration on your partner.

Also remember that when you express your feelings, you must be fully open to the possibility that your partner might not share your expectations. Your role in a relationship is not about attempting to convince your boyfriend that you are right. It is instead to respect yourself and him enough to listen to each other’s feelings and expectations and feel empowered to determine whether your expectations are similar enough that you can continue investing in the relationship.

Photo by Rodrigo Torres

Advertisement Jasbina Ahluwalia is the founder of Intersections Matchmaking, the first elite, personalized Matchmaking firm for South Asian singles nationwide. As a former practicing lawyer with a graduate degree in philosophy, Jasbina can relate first-hand to the demands and challenges facing her accomplished clients. As a second-generation Indian-American, Jasbina has a unique understanding of the successful blending of South Asian and American cultures. For more information, please visit www.IntersectionsMatch.com. Jasbina may be contacted directly at Jasbina@IntersectionsMatch.com.

QUESTION
I'm an attractive and successful single woman who enjoys a fulfilling life but am just missing that special guy to share my life. Over the years, I've pretty much gone about my life with the belief that when I least expect it, I'll meet my special guy. This hasn't quite worked yet - any suggestions?

ANSWER
Since I’m a professional matchmaker, you’ll likely not be surprised to hear that I’m an advocate of being proactive in your love life. If you felt something missing in any other arena of your life, would you just sit back and wait for it to happen or would you take steps towards finding what is missing? Is your love life any less worthy of your time, energies and efforts?

I’m also an advocate of looking internally before looking externally. Consider your needs, must-haves, wants, preferences and deal-breakers. Examine each critically to make sure you know the difference between what you need and what you want. Evaluate the basis of each need. Is it based on past relationships, values, priorities, others’ expectations or stereotypes? Make sure each need truly belongs on that list. Do the same for your deal-breakers. While this process is involved, it will likely save you time, heartbreak and energy in the future.

Then it’s time to look externally. Are you dating online? Effectively or half-heartedly? If you’re posting a photo, is it an accurate representation of the best version of yourself? Is your profile thoughtful and inviting? Are you picking online sites strategically? Are you meeting people in person instead of getting caught up in endless email, phone or text communications? Are you searching for and initiating contacts?

Have you told everyone in your life to set you up with any single, eligible guys he or she knows? Why not throw a party with friends at which all guests show up with a platonic friend or ex? This is a great way to meet potential partners in a group setting. Are you going to singles events or participating in activities that have single men in attendance? Have you considered hiring a dating coach or matchmaker if your time and energies are limited?

After meeting people, have you been giving them second chances on dates?

Just as you do with all other aspects of your life, set goals and develop an action plan that will help you meet your goal. Place a high value on your love life and take actions and efforts accordingly.

Best wishes!

Jasbina Ahluwalia runs Intersections Matchmaking, a personalized Matchmaking firm for South Asian singles nationwide.