QUESTION
I'm 20 years old, and I am ready to lose my virginity. I'm not in a serious relationship, but I have been dating someone whom I do trust. I have thoroughly considered the consequences and am pretty confident in my decision. Is it okay for me, an unmarried South Asian woman, to have sex before marriage with someone I'm not committed to?

ANSWER
Whether or not to begin a sexual relationship is a decision that only you can make. While I cannot tell you which decision is right for you, I can share some thoughts in the hopes of empowering you to navigate your way to the right decision for you.

You say you are pretty confident about losing your virginity to this gentleman. On the other hand, you ask whether it is okay for you to do so. Your question indicates to me that you might have some doubts about this issue. Doubt can lead to a negative experience for both you and your partner and may be a sign that you could spend some more time thinking before consummating your relationship.

Perhaps the following questions will help decide whether you are making the right decision for you:

Why are you ready to lose your virginity? What is motivating your desire? Why are you considering losing your virginity to this particular guy? What is it about being South Asian that makes you doubt your decision? What is it about being unmarried that gives you pause? If you are interested in a committed relationship in the future, would the kind of guy you would be interested in be okay with the decision you make?

While it can be difficult for many of us to separate our beliefs and values from those of our families and friends, the best decisions align with our own beliefs and values. The above questions will hopefully help you identify your own beliefs and values, as well as see how they may be similar or differ from those held by others. Good luck as you make your decision, and remember that since you had the courage to ask your question, you have what it takes to make the right decision for yourself!

Keep in mind the following general considerations prior to engaging in intercourse with anyone: - Consider having yourself and your partner tested for STDs before sleeping together. - Consider what birth control option would be most effective and how you and your partner may react to an unplanned pregnancy. - Consider that the release of hormones in connection with sex, in and of itself, may enhance your favorable feelings towards your partner. - Consider that some individuals will have sex without having feelings for a partner. - As first-time intercourse can involve some physical discomfort, consider whether your partner will treat you with care.

Photo by Rodrigo Torres

Advertisement Jasbina Ahluwalia is the founder of Intersections Matchmaking, the first elite, personalized Matchmaking firm for South Asian singles nationwide. As a former practicing lawyer with a graduate degree in philosophy, Jasbina can relate first-hand to the demands and challenges facing her accomplished clients. As a second-generation Indian-American, Jasbina has a unique understanding of the successful blending of South Asian and American cultures. For more information, please visit www.IntersectionsMatch.com. Jasbina may be contacted directly at Jasbina@IntersectionsMatch.com.

QUESTION
I am an ABCD and am having trouble finding the right person for me. I have been in an abusive relationship once before and that has taken over my life. I don't know whether I have fully recovered from that, but whenever a guy comes in my life, I become so alarmed, thinking and acting like all men are the same. Due to this, I can never keep a guy around. What should I do?

ANSWER
Let me start by thanking you for your thoughtful question. Unfortunately, there are many other people who face similar issues. By having the courage to ask this question, you may be helping others as well.

No woman ever deserves to be in an abusive relationship of any sort — ever! From what you say, you may want to seriously consider consulting a therapist to help you navigate your recovery. One starting point for a referral to such a professional is the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233). You will reach a live person at that number 24 hours a day, and he or she can offer you referrals to licensed professionals in your state to aid you in your recovery. I sincerely hope you get the help you need to live the life you want.

Jasbina Ahluwalia runs Intersections Matchmaking, a personalized Matchmaking firm for South Asian singles nationwide.