| QUESTION
I think I may be getting apathetic about the whole relationship thing.
It's not that I haven't dated or haven’t found decent guys. It's
just that even the decent guys didn't pan out, and it seems like all
the guys I've been out with since have been real losers. I'm starting
to really wonder whether there are any decent guys left, especially
now that I'm already in my thirties.
ANSWER
I'm sorry to hear that, and you're certainly not alone in getting frustrated.
That said, let me reassure you, there are definitely great guys out
there (given my profession, I speak with them all the time).
In my opinion, what's out there is not the issue (and in any case, it
is not something that's under your control). But the beliefs you hold
are under your control. I know it may often seem like our beliefs are
not subject to our conscious control. On the contrary, I think we are
accountable to ourselves for the beliefs we allow ourselves to hold.
We think our values are objective/natural/uncontrollable but we can
be flexible about them if they stand in the way of the goals we want
to achieve.
Given that you chose to spend time and energy on dating
in the past, I'm assuming being in a relationship was one of your goals.
The important question to ask yourself now is this: Is being in a relationship
still one of your goals? Since you reached out to ask your question
in the first place, I think it’s fair to assume the answer to
the above question is yes.
With that in mind, how do you think your belief that there are not any
decent guys left may affect your ability to remain open-minded in your
interactions with guys? Do you see how this particular belief could
unknowingly create a self-fulfilling prophecy?
Ask yourself this key question: Does your belief serve
or limit your goal of being in a relationship? Since it will be difficult
for you to reach your goal while maintaining this limiting belief, you
can choose. Which one would you rather keep?
It's natural to look for evidence backing up our beliefs. We all tend
to do that. That is why it is so crucial to choose one's beliefs wisely
and be willing to let them go when they no longer (or perhaps never
did) serve us. Best wishes!
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| QUESTION
My sister has confided in me that she suspects her husband of three
years may be cheating on her. I feel pretty helpless. Do you know of
any potential red flags I can suggest she look out for?
ANSWER
I'm sorry to hear this. There are three signs you may want to suggest
she consider. First, has her husband started making any otherwise inexplicable
recent changes with respect to his physical appearance (e.g. has he
suddenly started working out extensively, changed his hairstyle, changed
his wardrobe)?
Secondly, has her husband's routines, schedules, work
hours inexplicably changed (e.g. his previous 9 a.m. to 6 p.m. workday
now regularly starts earlier and/or ends later)?
Third, has their sex life changed (e.g. he's suddenly interested in
either less or more frequent sex and/or has changed his sexual positions
or willingness to experiment)?
Please encourage her to consider all of these factors collectively
and be open to the possibility that there may be reasons (apart from
cheating) for any of the above behaviors. Best wishes to both you and
your sister.
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